I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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