All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
