She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
