My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
