Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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