Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
