if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
