I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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