dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
