Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
