I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i came on her dog
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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