Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
