Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
