I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
