I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
