I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
