tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
