I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
