New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Terrible idea I love it
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
