he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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