I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
