his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
