omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
