youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize