The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
