At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We need to rekindle our bromance
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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