Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
