I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize