I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
