I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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