Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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