This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
