i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
