Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
