he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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