would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
