none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
