I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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