why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize