I wanna bring you to show and tell
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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