If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
