Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
