I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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