If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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