my mouth tastes like poor choices
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
