The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
