I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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