i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
