Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize