Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
