Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
either way he was missing a nipple.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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