Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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