true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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