omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
