never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
