the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
