Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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