I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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