I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
