Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Come on in and take your pants off
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
