fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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