Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
