I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize